Alex Telman,
Brisbane Spiritual Healing
"Controlling Others" PART 1: Energy and Energy Transference
in Relationships and Sex
An interview with Alex Telman
I’ve heard you talk previously about 'Energy’. What is the relevance of Energy to the human body?
Everything in our sphere of existence is made up of energy; energetic matter to be precise. Energetic matter can consist of physical and tangible matter or ethereal and intangible matter. Energy is always moving and changing. It can either retract or expand. When energy is retracting, it is moving slowly and vibrating at a much lower frequency. Therefore, it becomes heavier and denser. When energy is expanding, it is moving rapidly and vibrating at a higher frequency. Therefore, it becomes much more refined and ethereal.
The physical body of a human being consists of denser and more tangible energetic matter. This allows humanity to exist as a part of the physical realm; or the physical world as we know it- an environment that is energetically dense and solid. The Soul is conscious energy that is encased around the human body.
How would you define this ‘Soul’ entity?
The Soul of an individual is simply the energetic essence of the Source; the ultimate creating force in the universe. Some call this creative Source “God”. This creative Source is the unifying and creative entity- and we are the extended essence of its infinite love. The Source consists of ethereal and intangible energetic matter that is pure, refined and expansive. This is the essence of love moving and changing within and around us. It will naturally expand and extend, bringing to the surface and our awareness all that is in contrast to love.
So everything in the universe is based on this Source creating love energy?
Everything in the universe that is created by the Source is in essence
love energy. So everything in the universe moves towards the good- we
may not see it at first, we may focus on the negative aspects of something,
but it’s all moving in one direction- the good.
All that is in contrast to love is based in fear; the ego self. The ego self is an energetic creation formed from our fear based thought processes. It is the restrictive and suppressive layers of energetic limitation and separation that we have created to obstruct revelation from the Source, or the God self. But they do serve a purpose. The reason for these fear based thought processes is that they allow us to grow. We grow by overcoming our fears.
Tell me more about energetic layers.
The energetic layers that form around the physical body consist of congested, coarse and retracting energetic matter. Many have described these layers as the energetic field surrounding the physical body; the aura for example! However, the aura does not exist.
Really? So you claim the aura does not exist?
That is correct. What people call the aura is simply the energetic configuration of the ego self and the God self moving and changing with the thoughts and emotions evolving as our experience.
Can you explain that in a bit more detail?
Yes. The denser layers of energy surrounding the physical body are the suppressive layers of limitation and separation that personify as the ego self. The outer and more refined layers of energy are the extension of the Source, or the God self, encasing the physical body. These "outer" layers are more apparent visually to the sensitive eye when an individual is responding from a loving and joyful perspective.
The Soul of God that exists around each and every individual makes up the greater whole of all that is. This energy exists around each physical body; however, it is limitless, infinite and interconnected eternally as one. Our unified soul network, the spiritual realm, the physical realm, and all associated manifested realms, therefore, make up the complete essence of God.
But each time we as human beings create from the egotistical aspects of self, we create new layers of ego based energetic matter around us. Each time we think, feel or respond in fear, we create a new layer or we reinforce the layers already present. This further reinforces our belief in the illusion of separation and ensures our continued experience of it. This is why we believe and feel that the Source, or God, is outside of and apart from us. Our separated state of mind has seemingly "disconnected" us from an awareness of our true identity.
Is that why people feel disconnected from God, or the Source as you call it?
Many people feel a complete disconnection or disassociation from what they consider God is and how that relates to who they are. The denser and more layered the energetic configuration of the ego, the more disconnected, disassociated or removed they will feel. Our outward expressions, in the form of thoughts, words or deeds, will reflect our beliefs and the level of density attributable to the energetic composition of our ego selves.
So the more we live in fear, the denser our etheric outer body becomes and the more disconnected we feel from God? Is that correct?
Yes. The deeper layers of our ego selves will always hold our originating fears. Humanity's deepest fear is that it is powerful beyond all measure!
Are you saying that people’s greatest fear is the fear that they are creatures of God, Love, or the Source as you call it?
It is the truth of our divine Source that is so deeply feared. In acknowledgment of our divine nature, we recognize our experiences as creations. Creations we have extended from our choice of thoughts, words and deeds. We are no longer helpless victims of circumstance but powerful creators with an infinite potential to be, through our choices- our free will.
So we create our own pain?
Yes, we view the world around us and wonder how it could be, that we could have created such a contrast of beauty and disaster. It is the disaster that we cannot accept nor claim responsibility for. So, in an attempt to disassociate from the creations we have judged “painful”, "bad", "wrong" or "ugly", we deny or renounce the power of our divine reality. We cannot accept that we have created it! For to replace our value judgments with objectivity would render our egotistical belief systems meaningless. All that we believe in would hence become an illusion. In denial of this great truth, we live in fear!
Why, then, do we create this pain?
Ultimately our pain is a learning tool. Our Souls are here to learn- and the most efficient way to learn and progress is by overcoming the pains we invent.
So what is the origin of our fears?
Our fear has originated with the creation of the ego self. The ego ceases to hold meaning when we recognize the illusion exists in contrast to the realization of our divine reality. While the God self knows we are the essence of love, the ego believes that we exist outside of love. This is why we always feel compelled to search for love externally. We believe that love can only be acquired from another person. So, we seek to form relationships with others in an attempt to acquire and feel inner love.
Is forming relationships, then, a ‘bad’ thing?
No. it’s a way of keeping our self-created world together.
But you say there are other ways of living?
Of course! Based on love and the essence of our Source, our creator.
So at what point, and how, do these fear based belief systems originate within each person?
These belief systems originated at the time of our creation, when we perceived distance from God; the infinite source of love. Assuming that we were outside of love, we formed a belief that a separation from God had occurred. From this originating belief, we began to extend (create) from the fearful perspective that we had been abandoned or rejected. This created the first restrictive layer of fear based thinking around the physical body creating an illusionary sense of separation from God and from love.
As the soul continued creating from the ego, it reinforced these fear based beliefs into a definitive reality. This created denser and thicker energetic layers of fear around the physical body, effectively creating the illusion of separation we initially perceived from our God selves. These definitive beliefs in separation incite within us a frantic search for love! We yearn to be connected to another person, hoping to form unbreakable bonds and links so that we will once again feel unified and whole.
What, then, happens when we enter into a relationship?
When we feel we have formed a connection with another person, the urgency of our frantic searching appears to subside. But does it really? For now a new urgency has arisen. An urgency again based in fear. We fear the advent of pain! Pain created by the experience of an impending separation from our source of perceived love.
We unconsciously fear that we will have to relive the pain of our original
separation from God; the source of infinite love. So, in an attempt to
avoid the pain, we desperately endeavour to retain and preserve our relationships,
or perceived inner unity with others, by using control.
Why then do you believe that we as human beings feel the need to control
others, especially in close, or intimate relationships?
Control originates from fear and the ego self. When we attempt to supervise, limit or restrict the choices or experiences of others, we are applying control. We will apply control when we feel confronted, exposed or threatened. These fearful perceptions become very heightened within intimate relationships where there is a higher expectancy of greater exposure and vulnerability.
Many individuals are conditioned to believe that they must have the "upper hand" in an intimate relationship. We feel we need to "get it over them" and "keep them where we want them" in order to remain in control!
How do people exert that control energetically?
In our need to control, we seek to identify the fear based needs and expectations of others; that is, their lower, negative energies. Once recognised, we exercise this leverage to extract our own needs and expectations from them.
Energetically, we will be drawn to unify with another person that feels compatible to our ego based needs. We are always seeking to align ourselves with those who appear to personify who we would like to be. We believe that our choices reflect who we are and how we are perceived by others.
In contrast, we tend to disassociate from those we perceive are not complimentary to the perceptions we have of ourselves. Energetically, we feel that these ‘different’ individuals will not satisfy our ego based needs. Therefore, we will attempt to unify with another when we feel a ‘sameness’ with another person,; that is, when we sense an ego based energetic compatibility of complimentary need.
How is this linked to the concept of ‘sharing’ in a relationship?
Sharing is the ego's distorted perception of unconditional love. It is an attempt to satisfy the desire of the heart to experience oneness, unification and wholeness. So, we endeavour to share our lives together! We get married and promise to share all that we have "till death do us part"! We have children and expect that we will share in the responsibility of raising them. We share a bed together, a meal, our finances, our material possessions and, most importantly, our emotions and feelings.
Why specifically do we feel we need to do all this sharing with another if what we feel is ‘separation’?
The belief in separation creates a state of mind that we are separated from the Source, or God. We, therefore, unconsciously perceive that we are separated from ourselves and each other. If we are separated from the Source and therefore ourselves, we feel fragmented in who we are. In an attempt to restore ourselves to oneness, we seek the experience of wholeness and unity from sources outside of ourselves. We think, "Something is missing"!
In an attempt to identify with the aspects of ourselves that are perceived "missing", we form relationships with others who appear to have the characteristics, the energy, we think we need to be complete. We endeavour to recreate and know ourselves through the experience of another person. We identify and measure ourselves by their emotions and feelings for us. This process of knowing oneself through the feelings of another is called personification.
Personification is especially evident in the sharing expectations set by individuals in relationship with one another. As we interact, sharing and caring in our relationships, we endeavour to express our feelings and emotions for the other person, assuming they will reciprocate based on our expectations. This has become our expectation of experiencing love; the concept of sharing. We must display our emotions in the appropriate manner, in the right amount and at the right times, and all this must be reciprocated sufficiently to our own expectations. This ensures that we feel unified and whole in who we are, as we meet and set expectations for ourselves and others.
When personification occurs, ego based love is present. Therefore, we will only feel loved when others display emotion and feelings that we can identify with. This, in many cases, becomes the self-validation we seek for determining who we are. Validation becomes effectual when the other person is demonstrating behaviour and response that makes us feel worthy or wanted. This seemingly gratifies our ego based needs and expectations, while also giving us a sense of energetic unity.
How then would you explain the emotional turmoil when a relationship ends?
Emotions are the energetic fuel that power our creations, our thoughts. Therefore, when we share our feelings and emotions, we are actually sharing and blending our energies with others in the personification process. This is why we feel the emotional pain of being "torn apart" or "ripped apart" when a relationship ends or when we separate from someone we love. Energetically, we have retrieved what belongs to us and returned what does not. The suddenness of the separation will dictate the degree to which we will feel this division.
So how can we prevent this emotional pain from occurring?
Where the ego shares and personifies based upon expectation and condition, the God self gives and extends unconditionally without expectation or condition. When we extend in love, we are drawing upon the infinite love that is already present within and all around us. Need no longer exists for we know that we are complete and whole as the Source, or God intended. This knowingness keeps us centred and unperturbed by the circumstances and situations around us. We do not "buy into" the sharing cycle of the ego, rather we observe these circumstances and situations without opinion or expectation. The right and wrong no longer exists! Fulfilled within, we just ARE!
So it is our ‘expectations’, or ego, that causes this pain?
Yes. When we are sharing, we are essentially giving of "ourselves" with an expectation of return. We believe that the other person can provide us with what we perceive we do not have! This is the basis of conditional love, or ego. A barter system based on fulfilling each other's needs!
Based on this barter system, we tend to create complimentary relationships that will support the sharing cycle of give and take. This creates an attraction of opposites, people who have complimentary or opposing needs!
So we are attracted to people based on what we perceive they can provide us with. In other words, we see in them what we believe is missing within ourselves. Are you saying that these relationship are based on fear?
Exactly! The ego believes in lack, therefore, complimentary relationships are those based in limitation and fear. When we believe in lack, we begin to feel need. Need occurs when we believe that we do not have something. This creates fear! Fear creates the experience that there is not enough, too little, no time and, therefore, a limited sense of fulfillment. It always leaves us wanting! Wanting more! The ego does not believe in unity and wholeness. It exists in separation and limitation. In this state of mind, it feels needy and unfulfilled. It needs energy! This is the basis of emotional vampirism- the feeling you gets when another person mentally exhausts you; because you are both competing for energy using restriction and control!
Who or what ‘wins’ in this competition for control in a relationship?
The ego self knows that the God self is an infinite source of energy. It realizes that the soul will eventually reveal the illusion of the external search for wholeness and completion. Therefore, it knows that the God self will ultimately prevail over it. For the soul cannot deny forever what it really is - an infinite source of loving energy! The ego lives in fear of this ever-present threat to its survival! Therefore, it believes it must energize itself if it is to effectively compete with the God self. So, it needs to take energy from others! This is the reason why sharing is so accepted in complimentary relationships.
When energy is transferred between individuals in the course of a relationship, the recipients will either choose to reciprocate the energy, or share, or begin to withhold it for self-survival purposes. We withhold energy, emotion, when we feel another has not lived up to our expectations within the sharing cycle.
According to the barter system, the other individual has not fulfilled our needs or met our expectations. And they never will! The illusion that we are in need of having a need fulfilled is a fallacy. Within the illusion, lies an illusion! There are no missing elements that need to be acquired to make us complete. We are complete! We are whole! We can only experience our completeness and wholeness when we recognize and experience consciously our divine reality. The truth of who we are!
The ego, however, believes in limitation. Therefore, it perceives the dynamic of sharing will provide it with the energetic sustenance it requires to ensure it's continued survival. When we are participating in a relationship based exclusively in need, requirement and expectation, the sharing cycle of give and take creates an energetic transference between parties. When each individual demonstrates their feelings and emotions, they are directing energy to the other person.
Energy in a relationship can be seen, therefore, as the transference of emotions?
Yes, emotion is energy transferred! Energy is the founding composition of our creations. As our creations belong to us, they naturally rebound or return to us when we attempt to transfer them to another. Those participating in complimentary relationships are attempting to share their creations, or experiences, with another in anticipation that one will make the other whole.
This rebound effect is the cause for much of the frustration, resentment and anger created between individuals in a complimentary relationship. There is nothing that we create that can be separated from us. Therefore, any emotion, or energy, that is directed to another will ultimately return to its original creator.
Can you explain in more detail the nature of this energy ‘rebound’?
Energetic rebound creates deep feelings of futility and disappointment. Many people feel that the efforts they make while in a relationship either go unrewarded or have simply been in vain. You will hear many of them say; "Nothing I ever did made him/her happy! S/he could never appreciate the lengths I went to or the sacrifices I made in order to make him/her happy!" Another cannot give us what does not already exist within us. It must be there to start with! We feel unfulfilled and unappreciated when we attempt to attain love and happiness from another person. It is impossible to attain happiness and fulfillment from outside of yourself! Our choice to deny this reality and persist in searching externally for love and happiness will leave us feeling drained, exhausted and unhappy.
When this occurs, resentment builds! We will begin to withhold energy (emotion) from others. We will use withholding as a threat to coerce or force another person to act in accordance with our own expectations of them. We will seek to punish or persecute them when we perceive our needs will no longer be fulfilled to these expectations. Our use of punishment or persecution will eventually create resentment in the other person. A struggle for power and control will erupt as a new dynamic emerges within the relationship. Each individual begins to respond from a standpoint of dissatisfaction, resentment and bitterness.
How does this feeling dissatisfaction within a relation affect the ego?
The ego is in full defense mode within this environment. It will encourage each individual to attack and subjugate the other until control and power is reestablished. This ensures that the energetic transference and exchange that was formerly occurring is reinstated. This creates the sense of illusionary security the ego self needs to feel supported and safe.
To achieve this, each individual will revert to the use of control behaviour in an attempt to reestablish the energy (emotional) dynamic of the relationship. The extent of their control behaviour will depend upon their level of fear and the urgency of their need. Control behaviour is the ego's attempt to maintain the sharing cycle! Sharing satisfies it's need for energy. It needs to survive and will thus employ force where necessary.
Control behaviour is the outward expression of our egotistical beliefs and thinking. It is the "acting out" of our ego based needs and fears. In this demonstration of our beliefs, our actions reveal to us the authenticity and energy we have given to our needs and fears. In this state of mind, we camouflage our God selves and circumvent the revelation process.
How are these needs and fears manifested?
Through aggressive control and manipulation.
Can you explain how aggressive control and manipulation are evidenced in a relationship? And what is the primary motive for such behavior?
Aggressive control behaviour is evidenced where an individual's fear and
insecurity has reached explosive proportions. This type of behaviour is
demonstrated through the application of force. Force will entail; punishment
or persecution by physical, emotional or mental aggression. Assault and
violence is extremely prominent in many of these situations, whether it
be physical or verbal.
The underlying motive is to instill complete fear! The individual will display rage and anger when they perceive another person is not meeting their expectations or fulfilling their ego based energetic needs. The threat of physical force terrifies their counterpart back into the sharing expectations placed upon the relationship.
Their counterpart will feel completely disempowered, subjugated and defeated. Energetically, they will feel drained and exhausted, unable to defend or retaliate. In an attempt to keep their aggressor calm and unchallenged, they may display overt kindness, caring, forgiveness, suppression, passivity or submissiveness. The aggressor has forbidden the victim from withholding their energies (emotions/feelings). This ensures the aggressor's ego remains inflated and energized.
The most extreme examples of this type of response are evidenced in crimes of passion or relationships where there is physical violence and abuse. The aggressor feels energetically empowered and superior once control is established. The need is to acquire superiority by holding physical power over others. The intent is to personify a powerful and controlling authoritarian.
An aggressive controller has assumed this defensive behaviour from a parent who was adversarial and aggressive by nature. The application of force has conditioned the individual's thinking, creating a low self image and intense levels of suppressed anger and rage. These suppressed emotions will surface when they feel humiliated, shamed, intimidated or inferior. They act out physical or verbal aggression when they perceive they are being wrongfully or unjustly challenged or questioned.
How is this type of psychologically controlling behavior manifested in a relationship?
Psychological control behavior is characterized by threats of cross examination, mental grilling and criticism. The underlying motive is to weaken the resolve of another person by confusing their mind with mental abuse or manipulation. The psychological controller will achieve this by questioning, contradicting and condemning when they perceive another person is not meeting their expectations.
If the other person does not comply with their expectations, they will completely disempower them by creating doubt and uncertainty about their choices, opinions and beliefs. A psychological controller manipulates others by suggestion, reinforcing any feelings of guilt or judgment already present. They inspire the individual to feel "wrong" or "bad" about their attempts to withhold energy (emotions/feelings).
Their counterpart will attempt to avoid mental grilling by "tuning out" and noncommittally agreeing with or ignoring the psychological controller. This temporarily diffuses their attempts to secure confusion and fear within the victim. However, these individuals tend to be relentless and unyielding! They will sermonize or harangue their victim into a state of complete submission. Their counterpart will feel inferior, humiliated and mentally incapable. The threat of mental abuse induces anxiety and fear, coercing the victim back into the sharing expectations placed upon the relationship.
The most extreme examples of this type of control behaviour are evidenced in cases of mental abuse where victims are institutionalized with mental disorders and extreme inferiority complexes. The psychological controller will feel energetically empowered and superior once control is established. The need is to acquire superiority through mental agility and competence. The intent is to personify a competent and all knowing wisdom giver.
A psychological controller has assumed this defensive behaviour from a parent who was condemning and harshly critical by nature. The application of disapproval has conditioned the individual's thinking, creating an unacceptance of self. They will, therefore, have denied feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem. These suppressed emotions will surface when they feel their choices and ideas are being unacknowledged or invalidated. They use mental abuse and criticism when they experience situations that make them feel unrecognized, inadequate, inferior or mentally outsmarted.
What about people who are not aggressive as such? People who control by emotionally detaching themselves?
Emotionally detached control behaviour is characterized by indifference, emotional distance and detachment. The underlying motive is to weaken the resolve of another person by disengaging their emotions with detachment and indifference. The emotionally detached controller will achieve this by non-responsiveness, inexpressiveness and disinterest when they perceive another person is not meeting their expectations.
What happens when one person does not comply with the expectations of another person?
If the other person does not comply with their expectations, they will completely disempower them by creating emotional uncertainty and ambiguity in a relationship. These individuals tend to be overtly giving, assuming and taking responsibility for the lives of others. This is especially prominent in their relationships with significant others, where financial, material or monetary support becomes their assumed role. They assume responsibility in this way to divert from expressing their own emotions, however, create obligation in others through the expectation of gratitude and emotional support. Their counterpart willingly directs energy to them, feeling obligated to express their gratitude and appreciation.
When an emotionally detached controller feels their efforts have not been duly appreciated, they will display indifference and resentment, emotionally withdrawing further from their counterpart. The other person will begin to feel unloved, unneeded and inconsequential. The threat of emotional detachment induces desperation and fear, coercing the victim back into the sharing expectations placed upon the relationship.
The other individual may become confrontational and demanding, giving ultimatums or resorting to emotional hysteria in an attempt to extract or trigger an emotional response from the detached controller. The more attention the detached controller attains from their counterpart, the more energy they tend to receive.
The most extreme examples of this type of control behaviour are evidenced in workaholics, those who are fanatical in competitive sports and fitness or nomadic travelers. These pursuits give the emotionally detached controller the escape they seek from the confrontational environment they perceive in a personal relationship. They will, therefore, always appear busy and without time. Their partner will feel neglected and alone, frustrated by the emotionally detached controller's apparent sense of fierce independence. The need is to acquire superiority through independence and self sufficiency. The intent is to personify a responsible and generous carer and giver.
An emotionally detached controller has assumed this defensive behaviour from a parent who was detached and unapproachable by nature. The application of indifference has conditioned the individual's thinking, creating a rejection of self. They will, therefore, have repressed feelings of unworthiness and a lack of self identity. These repressed emotions will surface when they feel confronted, unapproved, criticised or judged. They become critical and judgmental when they perceive they are being questioned or that emotional demands are being placed upon them.
Emotional control is very powerful…
… and limiting to one’s full self-expression in life.
Yes. What do you see as the effect on the person being manipulated or controlled?
Because emotional control behavior is characterized by emotional manipulation based in guilt, obligation and indebtedness, and the underlying motive is to weaken the resolve of another person by gaining sympathy through the appearance of vulnerability and victimization, the emotional controller will achieve this by displaying weakness, over sensitivity, lack of inner strength and direction when another person is not meeting their expectations.
If the other person does not comply with their expectations, they will completely disempower them by creating fear and concern about the controller's inability to survive or defend themselves. These types of personalities do not feel fulfilled or whole whilst they are on their own. They often spend most of their lives seeking the emotional support, love and approval of others. If the other person does not comply with their expectations, they become needy, problematic, overtly emotional or hysterical. They will not be interested in positive advice, solutions or remedies as these formulations would mean facing their personal unresolved issues and taking responsibility for themselves.
Their counterpart will feel drained, exhausted and completely burdened. The threat of the emotional controller falling apart maneuvers their counterpart back into the sharing (giving) expectations placed upon the relationship. Their partner will be overtly empathetic, supportive and reassuring. This ensures the emotional controller's insatiable need for love and energy is fulfilled. The emotional controller has manipulated their partner into willingly directing their energies, emotions and feelings, to them.
The most extreme examples of this type of control behaviour are evidenced in abusive relationships, nervous breakdowns and in acts of suicide. The emotional controller will feel energetically empowered and superior once control is established. The need is to acquire superiority through a capability to emotionally manipulate others. The intent is to personify a defenseless victim of circumstance.
An emotional controller has assumed this defensive behaviour from a parent who appeared defenseless and victimised by nature. The application of guilt has conditioned the individual's thinking, creating a belief in insufficiency of self. They will, therefore, have strong feelings of insecurity and a complete lack of self love. These suppressed emotions will surface when they feel unsure, unsupported, insecure or unloved. They act out neediness and emotionalism when they perceive they are being abandoned or neglected.
What about manipulative behavior in sexual relations; how is that played out?
Sexual relationships tend to heighten learnt control behaviours in individuals. The sexual act is an intimate and exposing, yet exhilarating and connecting experience. We want to know that we are sexually appealing, desirable and attractive to our prospective or established counterpart. Sex fulfills needs! It can temporarily make us feel wanted, loved, approved or fulfilled. Therefore, it is a powerfully manipulative tool that tends to compliment our various forms of assumed control behaviour.
Couples voluntarily participate in the sexual act within relationships, bonding and connecting, fulfilling needs and providing self gratification. This naturally involves energy transference; the expectation of sharing sexual pleasure and satisfaction! However, this natural transference can become perverted or imbalanced. This occurs when sharing retracts from sexual pleasure and satisfaction into the offload of personal issues, burdens and energetic refuse.
How can you tell which partner is offloading this ‘negative’ energy?
It’s usually pretty obvious, unless both are offloading. Most people feel relieved, unburdened and euphoric after sex. Others feel dissatisfied, used and resentful. It is very obvious in this scenario which individual has successfully received an offload of someone else's "stuff"!
Is this a common scenario?
I believe so. There are many people who employ these methods because they feel unable to deal with the responsibilities associated with carrying their own energetic burdens. They feel that, only through sexual relations, can they share and unload their overload! Their partner is usually willing, open and unsuspecting, anticipating the fulfillment of their needs. However, the "off loader" has effectively manipulated their counterpart into a sharing experience that is very one way!
Is this “offloading” scenario similar to people who take on short-term multiple partners?
An individual who establishes multiple or short term partners in their sexual behaviour patterns feels they cannot emotionally make a commitment to a single person or to a relationship. Commitment inspires fear and sacrifice! They perceive that any type of emotional commitment will become too demanding and thus restrictive. Therefore, they will generally move from one person to the next in an attempt to avoid any emotional attachment that may develop from "hanging around too long"!
So fear of commitment is really fear of personal sacrifice?
It is. And as a general rule, those who do not sacrifice, look to control.
Do you see this fear of sacrifice translated into a need for conquest?
Exactly! People who utilize this type of control behavior will always be seeking the thrill of a new adventure and the conquest of a new challenge. The harder the challenge the more determined they will become. Conquest will become pressing and all consuming! Their ego becomes energized and inflated once victory has been won. The need is to acquire superiority through sexual conquest. The intent is to personify a self assured, confident individual without emotional need.
Let me recap if I may: Those people who fear sacrifice as a result of ‘losing’ their spiritual connection, or connection to the Source, have a corresponding fear of commitment. This fear of commitment results in a need to control and possess another person. And this leads to manipulative behavior.
That’s correct. These individuals use manipulation to project an aura of charm and self confidence, enticing their conquest into their world of fantasy and intrigue. Once conquest, energetic extraction and offload has been achieved, this sexual controller will emotionally disconnect from their partner. They will appear unaffected and indifferent, making excuses to avoid any further obligation or commitment. Their excuses may range from;
"This was never meant to be serious."
"You always knew where you stood with me."
"I am not in love with you."
"I'm not emotionally ready for the demands of a committed relationship."
"My life is too complicated for a relationship."
"I'm not ready to be with just one partner at this time."
"It just wouldn’t work! I am confused."
"You are too good for me. It's not you, it's me!"
"I'm leaving the country tomorrow."
So once the manipulator has gained control of another person, they then emotionally disconnect?
Yes. And those who persist in one night stands, multiple or short-term relationships are generally those who choose to remain detached from their heart and emotions, thus creating illusionary walls and boundaries around themselves. This further separates them from themselves and others! They fear that love will place restrictive and sacrificial conditions upon their lifestyle, choices and identity.
Individuals who assume this type of sexual control behaviour will generally have experienced a parent who was very emotionally detached and unable to demonstrate love and affection towards them. In this scenario, the individual will outwardly appear charming and confident, however, internally they are crying out for love. They do not trust the relationship process, equating love with pain, the pain of never being emotionally supported or fulfilled. They internalize their pain to avoid experiencing the depth of emotions that love will naturally bring to the surface.
Does this lack of trust by those who emotionally disconnect lead to jealous behaviors by those people? In the sense that jealous behavior is a form of control and manipulation?
Exactly. Obsessive jealous personalities must have a committed and controlled relationship at all costs. They believe that being a part of a unified whole will give them a sense of completeness and identity. Being alone inspires deep fear and extreme neediness! This type of sexual and emotional controller will attempt to exact ownership and belonging over their counterpart to ensure their needs and expectation are being met and fulfilled.
Once an obsessive/jealous sexual manipulator has formed a relationship they will forsake all other social contact or interaction. Rather, they will invest all their energy into interaction with their counterpart, ensuring their control and domination over them. This ensures that they feel completely connected and in control without external influence or interference. They will become obsessive and jealous when their partner attempts to experience anything or anyone without them.
So the goal of these jealous obsessions is really to fully connect with the partner?
In an unfulfilling way, yes. These control types will be completely obsessed with sex and their own emotional needs. They will view sex as the ultimate experience of emotional unification and will endeavour to fulfill their ego based needs by this method. This also provides them with the validation they need to ensure that their relationship is unchallenged and therefore unchanged. A sexual controller of this type will always use emotional manipulation to cajole or persuade the other person into believing that they are responsible for fulfilling completely their sexual needs and romantic illusions.
Their partner's submission and acceptance of these implanted suggestions gives the controller a sense of power and supremacy within their relationship. They demand pliability and total surrender to their needs. The sexual controller will thus feel confident and assured that their partner will acquiesce and share their energies willingly and at their demand. The need is to acquire superiority and power through complete domination over another human being. The intent is to personify a powerful and dominant dictator.
What actual behavior’s are exhibited by a person who is a sexual and emotional controller?
The sexual controller's conscious intent is to make themselves indispensable, reliable, wanted, needed and loved. They will evaluate the emotional depth of their relationship and the love of their partner upon the frequency and enthusiasm of the sexual relations between the couple. The more compliant and needy their sexual counterpart becomes, the more aggressive the energetic extraction will become. As control in the relationship becomes more constrictive for their counterpart, they will offload their negative energetic refuse and burden their partner with it. Any attempt by their counterpart to resist, will be met with guilt, blame and responsibility. In other words, the sexual controller’s partner is always being ‘tested’ in a game they ultimately can never win.
So the goal of total domination is unity between the couple- but on the controller’s terms.
Yes. This type of controller perceives that both individuals must remain as "one". The perception of this "oneness" is based in domination and assimilation of the other individual's personality. They believe, therefore, that the other individual must relinquish completely who they are in order to ensure that unification occurs and remains as they perceive it should. This gives them a sense of completeness! They do not feel whole on their own, therefore, they do not feel they can stand firm on their own foundations. They stand over or upon another to give them the sense of self security and foundation they feel they are lacking and so desperately need.
Stand over tactics will entail; aggressiveness, beration, invalidation, condemnation, jealousy and possessiveness. This instills consistent and unrelenting fear in their partner's mind. The threat of inciting the sexual controller into these stand over tactics forces their counterpart back into the sharing expectations placed upon the relationship.
